So, this is a thing that happens.

I got a call from the director of this film I submitted for. The lead role was pretty intense. If I got the part, I’d be playing a person who had a different personality everyday. So, he tells me more about this project and mentions this other horror/comedy thing he was doing. He said to come to his studio at 2:30 and that he wanted to show me some of this other work (the horror/comedy) to give me an idea of his style. But to keep in mind, that they were going for a PG rating for the film I was contacted about.

So I show up at 2:30 at this building I’ve never been to before. I am greeted by his wife and she takes me to the “studio.” Now, while on the phone, he told me that the place was a mess with the monsters he was building. So, I thought, studio – a place where an artist or craftsman practices his craft. WRONG! It was, studio – a small creepy room where one lives. I was in the room before I realized my mistake and couldn’t think of a way to make a graceful exit. I was the only actor present for the next 2 hours.

Now, at this point, I was still thinking of this great role. And there were, in fact monster puppets in the room. They were pretty lousy and poorly constructed but they may have been prototypes (so I hoped). And his wife was here, so that made it a little less scary. (ala the Gallegos, Beck and Fernandez, or the Bernardos)

The only furniture that one could rest one’s person on was the bed (ick) and a single chair. Thankfully, I was offered the chair.

He did start by showing me this “horror/comedy”. I think the moniker “nightmare” would be more suited. The film showed a young girl (I was told she was 19) doing a strip tease for a man in a living room. It was followed by a scene of her having an argument with an older woman about how she lets some man treat her. (Apparently, the older woman was the one allowing herself to be mistreated) At this point, he stopped the film and divulged that the man in question was based off the young actress’s real father and that he had the character murdered in a later scene and that it was “hilarious.” Okaaaaay, a red light just went off.

The next scene was the same young lady at what was supposed to be a clothing store but was obviously the same living room where the stripping took place. The girl enters and tells the woman (the same woman from before who was now, supposedly, another character) that she wants to see the “Shut up and fuck me section.” The woman points to a rack of random clothing similar to those one would find at a second hand store. She then exits.

Suddenly, a man pops up from behind the clothing rack and begins making lewd gestures. He seemed to be doing an impression of a mad dog trying to lick peanut butter out of his finger crotch. She responds in kind and demonstrates some intense face flexibility. Then, this is the most fascinating part, because another man pops up from behind the clothing rack and essentially did the same as the first guy. What the holy hell is going on?! At this point I ask, “Wait, where is this? Who are these two idiots? I don’t get it.”

I am told only, “It’s a high-end boutique. You know how they decorate those like living rooms. And this really happened to me. Some girl did that to me in a store.”

Right. Of course. Suuuuuure. “Um, was there something wrong with her?” I ask while thinking, “Is there something wrong with you?”

“She was just a really horny girl.” For neither the first nor last time that afternoon, my stomach turned.

The final scene I was shown consisted of the 2 men arguing over who would “get her” first. She (same young girl) comes out of somewhere (the hallway? space? who the hell knows) and unceremoniously removes her shirt. She is now stark naked from the waist up. She grabs her breasts as though she wished to tear them from her chest and says “Here kitty kitty, want some treats?” And one of the idiots follows her into the room.

The camera mercifully stays outside with the other man as we watch his reactions to the loud sex noises in the other room. The door bursts open and a mannequin’s head is thrown at his feet. This supposedly represents the head of the other guy. He hollers and exits. The camera enters the door and turns right to find the girl topless on the bed where she says “What, you don’t like head?”

I now find myself speechless with equal parts disgust, confusion and the self-directed mirth that overtakes one upon realizing that all is not right with the world.

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